Reflection Gone Rant

So, lately I've met up with some friends I haven't seen in a while and it got me reflecting on some stuff. How people on the outside perceive things and quite frankly don't get it. Turned into a little rant to clarify reality of life.

First of all, getting a diagnosis of a severe kind does not mean you automatically and quickly get well. It just means you can now start the war and the looong road back to healthier. It does not mean you will feel good, get your energy back and live life as normal again. Forget normal, normal's out. It probably means a lot of anxiety, hard decisions, confusion, medz changes with all that entails like side effects and let's face it, more anxiety about outcomes. Obsessing about different kind of outcomes so you're mentally prepared for anything comes with the territory, especially since a lot is trial and error with these things. Even the experts says so, we need to try and see, we don't know how this will go. Comforting? Also, it takes time, a long time and people seem to forget after a few weeks that the war is still on, for months and years even. For some, for life. It sounds dramatic but that's the truth. It doesn't just end, it's constant and an every day battle.

Secondly I think people need to understand how much work you have to do on your own, figure out on your own, solve on your own and that many of us do this ON. OUR. OWN. It's not easy, it's time consuming and takes a lot of energy. Also, I live alone and do everything by myself without any support or supervision at home. The Doctors will assess your blood work and medical issues but they will not assist you with your every day life and do not have a lot of time to spend on guiding you. There are A LOT of things you need to dive into yourself such as your medication schedule when you have two autoimmune diseases at once and maybe all the medz don't match, plus you need to take into account supplements, every day job hours, stress, food, getting enough sleep, exercising and if you're lucky to have energy left maybe a social life of sorts. Chasing pharmacies that have the medz you need, keeping track on which medz you are out of, setting medz schedule, keeping track of and try and separate symptoms, planning your calendar with all the above but still get in recovery time so you don't crash or risk upsetting your body that already is under a lot of pressure recovering. Try to set a plan for exercising even though your body screams bloody murder and try and find ways to be able to exercise while coping with all the shit that comes with autoimmune diseases and being chronically ill that create obstacles in your training. Hiring a PT is tricky cause they don't get the complicated picture so again, you're on your own here as well. It doesn't matter if you're completely exhausted the apartment still needs cleaning, trash needs to be taken out, you need to shower, cook and prep meals, grocery shop and have everything in order well or not. You become your own expert in a lot of areas, study a lot AND keep your every day life going the best you can at the same time. You don't have help with any of that. It just is.

Thirdly, let's talk dating and let me try and explain this very clearly to you all since it doesn't seem to be understandable. Yes, I'm single. No, I haven't been interested in chasing after meeting anyone for a while, but even if I was, now would not be the time. Would dating and sex be on your mind if you were lying sick at home exhausted and in pain? Would you feel sexy and beautiful when your body is weak and changes its appearance in so many ways and there was nothing you could do to prevent it? Would you be able to accept that you cannot affect your looks, just step aside and watch it deteriorate? You simply don't have any desire, you don't feel beautiful and you have zero drive. Being seriously ill doesn't really make room for caring for someone new in your life, you simply don't have the energy. I guess being in a relationship that's stable since before is different, but dating someone entire new and handling all of the stuff that comes with being ill and having low or no energy while trying to get to know a new person... no. If it happens, it happens, but chasing after it is not really in me. Dating isn't really prioritized, survival - health - energy levels comes first and I'm not gonna apologies for it. Also, a lot of men in the dating world atm, in my experience, require a lot of attention, encouragement and want to date on their terms. This isn't really something I would appreciate even if I was well but which is impossible to meet at the time being. I need to be selfish, prioritize myself first and get well. If a man would show up that can act like a gentleman, be OK with my prioritization for the time being and ADD something to actually ease and brighten my days and lower the stress/workload for me, THEN I'll consider it 😉 Now is not the time for me to bend over backwards for someone else's needs. Until that fairytail gentleman comes along that shows up for me or I am in better health, dating and sex is off the table. End. Of. Story. I don't really get why this is so difficult to understand. 

Lastly, fighting severe conditions and chronic diseases is a full time job no one asked for. Don't underestimate the work we put in and it's not because we are some kind of heroes or better human beings than anyone else. It is simply because we have no choice. What is the alternative? I will not stop fighting and I will not stop trying to not just survive but optimize my life and my well-being. What I am gonna stop doing is apologies for it and how I live my life. 

On that note, I am not well but doing better and better even if it's a long road ahead. I am booked on a call with a specialist at end of July. Excited to hear what he has to say. Please stay curious, questions are welcome, judgement is kindly asked to step aside.

//Kehlan OUT